adjusting

This week has been tough for the kids and I. I'm the kind of person that needs some time to adjust and reflect on things and with kids, you just don't really get to have that adjustment period. Their lives-their schedules go on like normal and I don't really have a choice but to keep on trucking for them. If I were alone I would let myself be unrealistically depressed for at least a full week. I would sleep in (if I could sleep at all), maybe drink a lil', be with friends, and just concentrate on taking care of ME for a while. I don't sleep-AT ALL and Taylor hasn't slept well this week either. I think she has another tooth coming in! It seems like just when I feel I'm exhausted enough to crawl into bed, Taylor wakes up screaming, refusing to go back to sleep. She makes her way to my bed where she still wakes up every hour or so. By the time I'm in a deep sleep, it's 7 a.m and she's ready to go! I want to nap a few times throughout the day but with 1 of them ALWAYS awake during the day, it doesn't seem possible. I'm under all this stress and normally I'm a pretty positive person. NORMALLY, I can find the silver lining somewhere, or rely on my faith to get me through but right now I just don't feel real positive. I feel like I'm in the dark entirely. Like my head is going to explode at any second and even more disturbing, I don't seem to care. I'm feeling alot of things I don't particularly care to feel. Pain, anxiety, anger, depression, and resentment just to name a few. How did I get here? This dark place, is there light at the end of the tunnel. Not that I can see, all I CAN see is the darkness. It has begun to consume me. I have become ONE with the blackness. How do I make the night turn to day. How can I remember what sunlight feels like. It seems like this cold darkness is all I have ever known. I'm afraid but of what, I'm not real sure. I feel like I'm not living just kind of existing. Okay maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe not. My best friend is not here with me. I almost hear him calling me from the other room sometimes. I can smell his aftershave in the bathroom. I turned onto our street and saw his truck in the driveway and for just a second forgot he was gone. I got excited, and felt my foot push on the gas pedal a little harder. I sped up to get home because I had to get to him. Then I remembered. It's only been a week. How am I going to live a whole year without him? I feel so all alone and I want nothing more than for this to have all been a bad nightmare. I should be thankful. He's not dead right? And, it's only a year-the last year passed so quickly. If I could just stop the nightmares. If I could just get used to sleeping in our big empty bed alone. One week at a time. This week was brutal but tell me it will get easier! I think I'm still in shock. I guess this all just kind of snuck up on me. seemed like February was further away. The waiting isn't over. He's back in the Army now but maybe there is still hope. Until I get the deployment details I will cling to that HOPE!