My plans are NOT God's plans!

When I was a little girl I had a detailed vision of what my adult life was going to be like. I would have an incredibly handsome, loving, hard working, honest husband, 2 handsome sons and 2 stunning daughters, a well trained loyal dog, a mansion on a hill, and I would weigh exactly what I did in high school! My closet would be filled with the most fabulous designer clothing, shoes, and accessories, I would always wear high heels, My hair would always be done, and I would never have to put a stitch of makeup on my perfect complexion. I would be PTA president, lead praise and worship at our church, be involved with the youth, and host the perfect slumber parties for my children. I envisioned myself preparing 3 healthy gourmet meals per day and my house perfectly spotless. My husband would arrive from work everyday at the same time and I would greet him with a kiss and give him my undivided attention while he told me all about his day. I'm all grown up now and I can only pick a few things on that list that even close to resemble my life! Sure I've got the handsome, loving, hard working, honest husband but I had to get through one husband that was the absolute opposite to get to this one! God upped my stunning daughters scenario by an extra stunning daughter and I never had any sons. Dogs just aren't my thing, I don't live in a mansion, I'm pretty sure my right thigh weighs what I did in high school, and most of my clothing comes from Target! I rarely wear heels anymore, you will often find my hair in a messy tangled ponytail, and you don't want to see me without my makeup on. I'm not PTA president. Heck, I can barley get myself organized enough to remember parent teacher conferences! You won't find me leading praise and worship or singing on any stages for that matter. You'll only hear a tune out of me in the car or shower these days. I have yet to get involved with the youth because frankly, at this stage in life, 1 hour of "alone" time with God every Sunday while my own children are in childcare is like a mini-vacation and the thought of a slumber party makes my blood pressure rise! These days, we are lucky if we get ONE perfectly well rounded meal per day and I'm almost always behind on laundry and the rest of my chores. My husband has no schedule and I often go days or weeks without seeing him. When he is home, there is so much chaos that I don't often give him my undivided attention nor does he get to give me his. I often feel like a failure. Like I gave up on my dreams. Like life just isn't what it is supposed to be. I'm angry at myself because I can't quite seem to get it all together. I can't seem to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect Christian. I go to bed each night feeling exhausted and entirely unaccomplished. I feel slightly ashamed about my past and struggle to overcome the ramifications of my actions and the actions of others that still haunt me. I have absolutely without a doubt allowed myself, others, and Satan to rob me of my joy. Every action has a reaction. Reflecting on it, I'm amazed at how each little life experience can shape your very being and effect how you react to similar situations for the rest of your life. If you let them affect you that is. Why do I allow myself to feel this way? Why do I beat myself up over my circumstances? Why do I constantly strive for some entirely unrealistic life that I logically know will never be mine?!?!?! I need to put things into perspective and seek joy in my REAL life because chasing after what I think should bring me joy will always prove fruitless. Of course I'm thankful for my many blessings but do I remember to be thankful for the circumstances behind those blessings? I must remember that my plans are NOT God's plans. Why on earth would I want to make any plans for my life when I KNOW that God's plans are perfect? I have all this pent up shame and anger about things in life that didn't quite work out as I planned but who am I to say that they did not work out exactly according to God's perfect plan? I must remember to find the "silver lining" so to speak in every situation. Sure I had a failed marriage but does that make ME a failure? I was a scared, weak, young mom who had the courage to remove my sweet baby from an abusive home because I didn't want her to EVER think that being hit by a man was acceptable. I've always considered my divorce a failure but when I really think about it, it was an accomplishment! No, I'm not saying divorce is an accomplishment I'm just saying that when I look back, that time I spent working and providing for my daughter in my tiny apartment made me stronger than ever. God gave me a strength that I didn't know existed and I could never forgive myself for allowing Payton to think that it's okay for Daddy to hit Mommy. I'm proud that she is raised in a home where she never has to fear that. Had I never found the courage to leave my ex-husband, I would never have the life that I have now. My marital situation didn't turn out how I planned it the first go round but, being married to Dave is EXACTLY what the Lord had planned! Sometimes this rut I get stuck in feels like all there ever will be to life. But just because I grew up doesn't mean that I am done growing. I may not be singing with the praise band on Sunday mornings but that doesn't mean that I will never do that again. Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven My babies are young now and they need me. If I skip out on the dishes to read one more story before bedtime, that's okay. The dishes will be there tomorrow. If I can't take those guitar lessons I've been dying for because between soccer, homestudy, and tutoring I just don't have the time, that's okay too. If I trade my designer heels in for more practical flats for impromptu games of tag it's not the end of me. Those high heels will be there in the closet when I'm ready again but my babies will only be babies for a short time. Some day my girls will be grown and I will have nothing but time on my hands. When that time comes I'll learn to play the guitar, I will make nail appointments again, and maybe straighten my hair daily. I will wear any ole pair of shoes I want and go back to cooking extravagant meals. I'll do the dishes after every meal and sweep and mop more often too but for now, I should stop stressing over the things I'm not getting done and focus more on the little ladies that I am raising. I don't have it all together and I'm pretty confident I never will have it all together! But that's okay, I don't need to meticulously plan on what I want my future to look like because it doesn't really matter what I want it to look like. What matters is that I allow God to do his thing. His plans are far greater than any plans I could come up with on my own. So I will stop stressing that life isn't turning out how I planned, it's turning out better! Thank you Lord so very much for never allowing MY plans to interfere with the wonderful plans you have for my life! <3