Mi vida loca

Holy moly my life is insane sometimes! We started another fabulous year of home school Monday and it's been harder on me getting back into the swing of things then it has been for Payton. I've been bombarded with showers lately as well. Seems like everyone I know is getting married and/or having babies! One of my dearest friends is getting married in a few weeks and I have poured most of my energy this week into planning a fabulous bachelorette party for her. The whole planning process and other assorted wedding related drama has really taken a toll on her and I really want her to know how special and loved she is! I'm also spending alot of time in front of the mirror wondering what the hell happened to loosing all this baby weight in time to look decent in my bridesmaid dress!?!?! Bummer. This is a task that is proving more difficult than I imagined. I got a wii fit a month and a half ago and I LOVE it (it was an early anniversary present-thanks honey!). God knows I can't make it to they gym with my insane schedule so it's right up my alley. I was very committed in the beginning and did loose SOME. But I'm finding the crazier my schedule gets, the less I feel like cardio shapeboxing! So I joined weight watchers online last week as well. I figure some tweaking of my dietary choices would probably go a long way. I've tried to get Dave on the bandwagon as well but, he isn't easily swayed away from Pizza and Mt. Dew. lol He has been very supportive though. He fends for himself some days when Payton and I are having a tuna sandwich and an apple for lunch. I LOVE fruits and veggies so eating this way doesn't bother me. I think my main struggle is fighting off my cheesecake cravings! I realize I will NEVER be a 0, 1, or 2 ever again but I will settle for a 4 or hell anything other then the size 8 I am currently trapped in! I'm waaaaay too short to be carrying any extra weight! It also seems I have a problem with saying no and every couple of weeks I find myself hosting a shower, helping with a party, or donating cakes to charitable events. I like to help others I truly do but between raising 2 children, 1 husband, 2 dogs, housework, home school, showers, parties, weddings, and charitable causes I usually forget to take some time out for myself. Well, I don't forget necessarily I just don't have any hours left in the day.

On top of the added stress of a new school year, showers, birthday parties, and attempted weight loss, I am also struggling with how to deal with my ex-husband. I try to be civil with him for the sake of Payton but I get incredibly frustrated when he is so behind on child support and still gets to come pick my child up and take her to chuck-e-cheese every week. He comes around talking about his new gym membership and the cruise he is taking with friends but when I ask for the money I am owed, he "will get it to me as soon as possible". I realize it's a large sum of money and I don't expect to get it all in one day but seriously, make a freakin' effort! Take the $50 a month you are paying to the gym and pay ME instead don't buy yourself a new pair of $90 shoes pay your damn child support! Meanwhile I'm up late rearranging our budget so that I can afford for Payton to go to ballet next week, buy her new ballet shoes (a size bigger than last year) and a leotard. I'm the one who can't buy new shoes because I have to pay for Payton's soccer registration, shoes, socks, and shin guards! How is this fair? Meanwhile he is getting all the glory and gets to be the fun parent because he has extra money to go to Chuck-e-cheese, gatties, and putt putt. He gets to go play golf with his buddies and even bought Payton her own set of pink golf clubs and I'm sitting here trying to figure out where I'm going to get some extra money to pick up a few educational supplies for homeschool. I think it's great that he wants to take her to do fun things but how is that fair to me? I can't afford movies, chuckecheese, and puttputt in the same week BECAUSE of him. I'm incredibly frustrated with the situation and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I'm not sure how to deal with the fact that he shows up at my parents house and puts on some sweet ex-son-in-law act and they buy it. Every time I go to my sister's house I find him in the garage with my brother in law. How does he think this makes my husband feel? I feel betrayed by my family sometimes. I wonder where the hell their loyalty is. If he had been a wonderful husband if he was a good guy I would have NO problem with them associating themselves with him. But do they really not see him for who he is? Don't they see the games he plays? All I hear about is how he is no good and how worried they are when he has Payton. I hear about how irresponsible he is and how irritated my father is that he doesn't pay his child support or the money Jimmy owes him for that matter. I hear about how I need to hire an attorney and back him into a wall. But then the next day they are having lunch together. He hit me and then took my dad to lunch with MY child support money and Dave and I are the only ones who see a problem with that?!?!! Eeeesh... I feel for poor Dave in this situation as well. He loves Payton as if she were his own daughter and he gladly pays for everything she needs and wants but it is truly unfair to him that he provides everything for her with NO help from her biological "father" and will never get the glory of being her Dad. She loves him and calls him Daddy but every other weekend and every Wednesday a part of our family is missing and I have NO control over it. It's like she is being kidnapped against my will every week, I get nothing in return, and it is all perfectly legal! Pray for me because I am really struggling with this. I don't know what the Christian way to deal with the situation is. I want to take him to court, to send him to jail, to hit him back, to make him PAY but I know this isn't what God wants me to do so I sit here and wait not so patiently for God to reveal to me the solution. I forgive him for what he has done to me in the past I truly do but doesn't he see he drives a wedge in between my family and I? Doesn't he see he affects my marriage by trying to still play the son-in-law role with my family and screwing us financially? So you didn't want to do everything in your power to save our marriage, fine but do you truly have to come along and screw this one up for me too!??!!?

Oh that felt good to say out loud-or type whatever. My blood pressure has escalated just thinking of it and oh here come the cheesecake cravings again so I better go to bed and suppress them! lol