I'm alive!

Okay okay, I know I keep making these false promises of staying on top of my blog but really this summer has been all sorts of insane! I haven't had much time to breathe much less blog! Dave comes home for a 2 week leave in 8 days so you can bet I'll have lots to blog about once he leaves! In the meantime, we need to continue praying for the Aguirre family, if you don't know this story I swear I will update you soon! We've decided that Payton will start Kinder at Midland Classical Academy next month and we are very excited. She will also start a new soccer season soon and she's pretty pumped about that too. So much to update on but, no time now! Heading to San Angelo to visit Christi & Aaron and new baby T! Can't wait to snap some pictures of this little darling! I promise promise promise to start updating more frequently. Oh there's so much to say, I almost don't want to go to bed but, Lord knows this girl NEEDS her beauty rest for the next 8 days ;)

xoxo

Adventures in Latch Land

Well, I've abandoned the concept of playing blog catchup! Forget that nonsense, I don't even have time to stay current much less backtrack 6 months! The girls & I have been doing a lil' traveling to take our mind off Daddy being gone. We've had a good time, & although I miss Dave so very much, it's been nice to get to spend girl time with my cousins and best friend Kristi.

The last week of May we hit up San Antonio. Kristi & I have been besties for 10 years and since she moved away after her & Brian got hitched 7 years ago, we haven't been able to spend much time together. They have twin 2 year old girls so a for a full week poor Brian was gravely out numbered! lol Kris, me, my 2 girls, their 2 girls, and poor poor Brian! We had a blast catching up & letting the girls play or irritate each other rather! They didn't play real well together which was so strange because Taylor plays so well with everyone. However a few days before we headed out all 3 of us had strep throat so I'm sure Taylor was still feeling a bit unlike herself. We did some shopping and hit up Sea World. Dave & I got season passes last year and I figured I would use them again before they expired. Kinda nice, I managed to walk away from that place only spending $15! Payton begged to feed the dolphins but chickened out when she saw their teeth. That was just fine with me because I got to feed them & pet them instead! Oh, I wanted to bring one home to live in my bathtub! They're such amazing creatures. The only downfall to the day was that me alone w/2 kids was a tad trying & there was nobody there to take pictures of me & the dolphins! haha


It also happened to be the twins' birthday so we took them all to minitown & then out to eat some yummy bbq. They all had a blast!






Before we left, we took the girls out to the park in attempts to snap a few family photos of Kris, Brian, & the girls. But between my children running around and their children running around we weren't real successful! Next time!




A few weeks later, I loaded up the girls again and headed toward Wylie for my friend Christi's baby shower. Little Trenton will be here soon! I can't believe it! It was lovely catching up with her, Aaron, & the rest of their wonderful family. After the shower, we headed to Fort Worth to spend some time with my cousin Becky & her kiddos. We had a great time as always! We took the kids to the Science museum and oh, I coulda spent all day there! So much to do!



Later that evening we took the trip up to Fort Hood to visit another cousin Stephanie (Becky's sister). Her hubby Rob is a Chaplin for the U.S. Army and was off doing some training so it was just us girls. Poor little Seth was the only male around for miles! Araceli & Taylor are only about 6 months apart and played so well together! Payton, Sam, and Sesi had a blast playing dress up and barbies! We had a great time and did some long overdue catching up. I definitely plan to spend more time there while Dave & Rob are in Iraq. We drove the kids to a nearby little town to swim in the creek. It was nice and shallow so Celi & Tay could splash around without someone hanging on to them at all times! The kids all had a blast!




Phew just writing about all that driving made me exhausted! Can't wait to see my wonderful cousin's again!

I'm "OKAY"

Are you okay? How are you doing? We ask these questions everytime we see someone we know. I think we all just automatically spit out a simple, "I'm okay". So, why is it that we don't describe how were really feeling? Is it because saying it all just takes up a little too much time? "I'm stressed, I'm exhuasted and overwhelmed. I'm grateful for what I have but, I'm always wanting more. Some days I don't have control over my children and my patience is running thin. I don't get to do my hair everyday and I haven't recently found the time to shave my legs. Overall, I'm just barley hanging on." For this reason, most days if you ask me how I'm doing, I just say "I'm alive" because, honestly, some days, that's the best I can do. Some days are better than others, and since Dave has been gone, I seem to have more bad days than good. I try to keep myself busy throughout the day. My to-do list grows each day. But sometimes, when the kids are in bed, and the house falls silent, I am ANYTHING but "okay". I stay awake until I just can't any more because the thought of crawling into our big bed all alone just makes me cringe. Some nights, I can almost feel his hand on my cheek and his lips on mine. I can almost hear his "goodnight beautiful". I try to line his side of the bed with pillows so I don't feel so all alone. I angle 2 that I can lay on to simulate his shoulder. lol The point is, most days, I'm not "okay" and if I tell you I am, I'm just being polite. Most days, I, like most of you, am just trucking along trying to make it through the day.

Playing catch-up

Like many of you, I had such good intentions with this blog. I thought to myself oh, what a lovely to post my weekly, if not daily rants. What a lovely way to remember the little stories associated with events & photos for later scrapbooking purposes. And like so many of you, I have failed myself miserably in this task. I've blogged um maybe once a month if that and have rarely attached pictures! {insert shame spiral here}. So, I decided before I got years off track, now was a good a time as any to play catch up. So, if you're not into the whole "peek into my life" sorta thing, then just ignore the next few posts and rest assured that in no time at all I will return to my normal, cynical, analytical self. You will undoubtably see some more posts about psychological disorders that only exist according to me in the next few weeks but for now, bear with me, while for my own sanity I record a little piece of family history. Hopefully from now on, I will keep up with it so Dave can see what mischief the girls & I are getting into while he is away!


February 13,2010:

I had initially planned on having Taylor's 1st birthday party the next weekend because A. I knew Briley & Dave's birthday parties would fall on the same weekend & B. because Taylor's birthday wasn't until the 17th so I figured it made more sense to do it the next wknd. My plans fell through on this since the Army decided it was a good plan to make Dave report for duty the next day (Valentine's day). I bumped it up because I didn't want him to miss her first birthday party. I had been planning since ummm... the day she was born, to do a monkey theme for her 1st birthday party because Dave calls me monkey all the time & thus Payton & Taylor became little monkeys. However, about 31983029183028 people beat me to the monkey theme just before Taylor's party came along. Not being one to follow the crowd, I insisted we find a new theme. Barnyard sounded cute, but of course, I couldn't find anything cute & girly with a barnyard theme so I had to resort to sort of designing our own theme. The kids had a blast at Miller's gymnastics chowing down on pizza and cake and running around like crazy headless chickens (no barnyard pun intended). Taylor got some great gifts but her favorite gift was by far the pink car Grammy & Papa got her.









February 18, 2010
Jenn and I are best friends and everyone knows best friends always do EVERYTHING together ;). So, when we found out she was prego 2 summers ago, naturally, I jumped on the bandwagon 2 months later! haha We were ecstatic to learn we were both having GIRLS! Naturally, Aubrey & Taylor are BFF's too (it even says so on the adorable matching shirts Aubrey's mommy made!) They have lots of adventures together. They love to play, dress alike, chat, share snacks, & take sunny drives in the park together. On this day, we decided to take the girls to the park for a little picnic & playtime. The girls snacked on their sandwiches, shared a few snacks and leftovers with each other, then hopped in their cars to follow Payton on her bike around the park a few laps.








on March 9th, Jennifer & I decided it would be fun to let the girls finger paint together. I suggested pudding because, well, quite frankly, Taylor will eat anything within a five mile radius. So, at her next HEB shopping expedition, Jenn found a ton of nasty sounding flavors but oh so fun colors of jelly belly pudding! Taylor mainly just ate hers and although, Aubrey took some coaxing, she finally got the hang of it and quickly proceeded rubbing her belly to a sweet shade of grey. Then they took a nice soak to wash of the sticky mess.






on March 10th, the girls & I met up with Aubrey & Jennifer (with Alexis in tow), Kalee, Aiden, & Cabree, & Leann & Addison at Chuck-E-Cheese for a mommy & me playdate. The kids all had a blast and even I got in on the tunnel action where I learned quickly that I am even more out of shape than I initially thought.

A weekend at FT. LEONARDWOOD

I've always been afraid to travel alone, Especially with 2 kiddos! I have a whole lotta NO sense of direction and traffic makes my anxiety flare. But, I thought about the fact that I have a whole 400 days without Dave ahead of me and I don't want to be confined to my house in Midland the whole time. So, I've decided to venture out of my comfort zone as often as possible. First on the list, I packed the kids up a few weekends ago to visit one of my besties Christi & her hubby Aaron in San Angelo. I had to start the traveling out on a small scale okay!??! lol We had a lovely weekend and will definetly be doing that more often!

Last week (after the big "playroom" project), I decided that now was as good a time as any to pack the kids up and visit my cousins & aunt in Ft. Worth. Jimmy planned on taking Payton for spring break week anyway so I thought I would save him a drive & head there ourselves. I have to admit it was partially because I had never been away from her a whole week and wanted to be able to drop in and sneak a peek periodically. So, we packed our bags Monday night & headed out Tuesday afternoon. The girls did well on the drive & I navigated myself through Arlington & Ft. Worth like a pro ;). We were going to hit up the ZOO on Wednesday but it turns out half price day the week of spring break is mayhem & we weren't THAT eager to see the animals with 5 kids in tow afterall! We mainly just hung out with my cousin Becky & her kiddos. Did some shopping with my aunt & my other cousin Stephanie & her girls. This was a treat because we don't see them often! Beck & I have always been close so not really doing much of anything but hanging out works for me. We took the kiddos (minus my sweet Payton unfortunately) to castle park and they had a BLAST!

Taylor can't get enough of the slide!

Araseli loved to swing!

Sweet Seth, posing on the playground

Silly girls Samantha & Sesilia clowning around on the slide.

*Sesilia & Araseli's Daddy (my cousin's husband Rob) is a Chaplain for the U.S. Army and we're so proud of him too! He will be deploying in the near future as well so please keep the Cook family on your prayer list!*

Some time Wednesday afternoon I decided I wanted to make the 12 hour drive to Fort Leonardwood, MO to catch a glimpse of my husband. We were told he wouldn't be able to stay with me but I thought eh, what the heck, even just a kiss is worth it to me. My mother didn't want me to drive because she knows I have navigation issues and was sure I would end up in New York or something instead! lol So, I log on to check out flight options. $450 roundtrip!?!?! Holy moly, maybe I won't be going afterall! That's what I figured the WHOLE trip would cost! So, then Becky informs me she has a friend who can put me on the fly for free list! Whhhhhhhat!?!?! I didn't know there was such a thing but I'm gung ho! Just have to pay the fees $40 each way. SWEET! So I call in a rental car favor next. A little discount helps alot-thanks pal! Now I get to looking at hotels. $120 a night? I can't do that! Then I remembered a friend saying I could stay on base in guest housing! yay! I look up the # and give them a call to make a reservation. They have nothing for Friday but can get me in Sat & Sun for $40 a night! Awesome let's do it! My mother happened to be off all weekend anyway so it just seemed like everything was lining up perfectly for my trip! I met my mother in Abeline Thursday morning to drop off Taylor because she worked that night and my flight was leaving DFW at like 6:00 friday morning. Becky dropped me off at the airport at 4:00 because the only drawback to flying free is that you have to fly standby. I made it on the plane with no trouble at all after only 2 hours of sleep and arrived in St. Louis by 10:30ish. After getting my bags, I made my way to the Enterprise counter and hitched a shuttle to pick up my rental car. I then made the 2 hour drive to Ft. Leonardwood with sheer excitement keeping me awake. I arrived on base by 12:30 and decided to check out the PX to kill some time while I waited for Dave to finish with his daily duties. An excruciating 2 hours later, he sent a txt saying he was in the cab from his barracks to meet me at the PX. I'm pretty sure I almost turned a back flip as I raced out to the car. I didn't want to make a big dramatic emotional scene so I just pulled the car up front to greet him. When I turned the corner, there he was. It was like I fell in love all over again. I wanted to jump out of the car and into his arms but I calmly gave him a little hug and kiss when he got into the car instead. He had a bag with him and the best news ever! He would be able to stay with me all wknd but would have to make nightly checkin's at midnight. WORKS FOR ME! We drove off base to grab a bite to eat at the local cracker barrel while we killed another hour or so before we could check in. The rest of the evening was kind of a blur-I was soooooooo excited! I remember having dinner at an adorable lil' 50's style route 66 diner and soaking in the jacuzzi tub in our room but not much else. At midnight, I drove him back to his barracks for his checkin. They were AWFUL. Looked like something out of a horror film. Only the building they were staying in was lit. The other buildings were abandoned. It was cold & rainy and in a heavily wooded area. The roads surrounding the buildings were dirt & gravel and the only sounds you could hear was the wind whistling and the creaking of the old buildings.

(not a very good picture from my phone but it was seriously pitch black with the exception of a few dim street lights)

I sat there in the car alone on edge for about 15-20 mins expecting to be greeted by some ghosts of soldiers past but finally Dave was back in the car and we headed back to the hotel. I DO remember falling asleep in his arms and for the first time in a month sleeping through the whole night. The next day, we woke up fairly early, went downstairs for breakfast, and got ready for the day. Dave's mom & stepdad were driving down to see us for a few hours (they live in IL about 2.5 hours away). We checkout out of our hotel and took them on base to grab a few ARMY souvenirs for them, some t-shirts, & teddy bears for the girls then we headed to lunch. After lunch we said goodbye and went to check into the base housing. As soon as we pulled up I knew it was gonna be bad. The hallway smelled awful. There were stains on EVERYTHING, beer caps on the floor, mildew in the shower, and a HUGE gap under the door so we could see in or out by sticking our head there. We could also hear EVERYTHING in the hall as if we were in the same room. AWFUL. I said I would bear it because $40 is $40 and as long as we were together things would be fine. That lasted about an hour. We wanted to take a nap but felt dirty and itchy the second we lay down so we packed back up and called the hotel to see if we could have our room back! lol We returned the keys on post and luckily we got our $40 back! We napped in the hotel room, took another bath, and just enjoyed being together for a few hours before meeting up with some of Dave's "buddies" for a night on the town. The guys were really cool and reassured me that although they had tried to corrupt Dave, he was "incorruptible" and all he ever did was talk about the kids & I. We had a great time and I got to fall asleep in his arms AGAIN.

my good looking husband in our hotel room

<3>

Sunday we decided to lay low and just hang out all day in the hotel. That night we went to a neighboring town to see "she's out of my league" then picked up some dinner on our way back. We talked, cried (well, I cried, Dave just held me), and watched tv for a bit before we fell asleep in each other's arms. Monday we woke up early because Dave had to report for duty. He held me as we lay in bed talking because we knew it would be our last day for this. I took him back to base and waited for him to call while I did some of his laundry at the hotel (can't even get out of that on vacation! lol) We had lunch at the PX & then I took him back to his barracks to say goodbye. My flight was leaving St. Louis that night and I needed to leave base by 3. Dave was getting on a bus for Mississippi at 2. We said a short but sweet and meaningful goodbye in front of the car I'll save the details for us. I'm getting emotional thinking of it. I sat in the car crying as I watched him disappear around the corner. I wasn't sure when I would see him again. I pulled myself together and begun driving. On the road, I get a call from Becky who says, the flight is full and there is NO way I'm getting on it. I call enterprise thinking maybe I will just drive to Ft. Worth and return it there but, they don't allow 1 way rentals. So, I snag a hotel in St. Louis for the night and decided to catch the 6:00 a.m flight the next morning. At 3:45 a.m I return the rental car and hop on a shuttle for the airport. It's packed ALREADY. It takes me 45 mins to check in, check my bag, and get through security. When I get to my gate, there isn't an empty seat and I'm thinking, this can't be good. It wasn't. The plane was full I would have to wait for the next one. But, that one was full too. The next one wasn't looking promising either. If you know me very well, you know that by this time I am in a full on panic! I haven't seen my kids in 5 days, I just left my husband, I can't get a flight home, and have had little to no sleep. I just wanted to get home to Taylor. I knew Payton was fine & having a blast with her cousins but Taylor had NEVER been away from me for more than 12 hours and I was DYING to see her. I looked into flying directly to Midland and thought I would worry about getting my car the next day but all flights had a connecting DALLAS flight! There's a flight at noon but only 3 open seats and 7 people on standby. I'm not getting on that one either so Becky is forced to pay for a flight on another airline. I have 20 mins to hop a shuttle to the Southwest terminal and check in. I make it in the nick of time and safely make it to Dallas but with yet another issue. Southwest does not fly in or out of DFW, they fly only into Lovefield. However, my bags had been checked with American Airlines. I went to Lovefield and my bags went to DFW. After sorting the whole mess out, I grab Payton and my car and begin the 4.5 hour drive home with 2 hours of sleep under my belt. The drive felt horribly long. I was so excited to be with my kids that the night without Dave wasn't awfully unbearable. I even let the 2 monkeys sleep with me so I wasn't alone. Last night however, the loneliness of reality settled back in & I cried because, I couldn't smell him anymore. Once in Mississippi, we learned that he would more than likely be deploying the 1st week of May or somewhere in the last 2 weeks of April. He will get to come home for 3 days to say goodbye to the girls & I a week or so beforehand. Just checked the flight prices, another $450-JOY! lol Worth every penny though. So all in all, I spent waaaaaaaay more $ than I had planned and will not be allowed to leave the house for a few weeks but we had an incredible, unforgettable, romantic, overall amazing weekend and I would pay ANY amount to relive it again.

the Lord gives me strength, peace, & home improvement plans

Oh what a whirlwind March has been thus far! I'm happy to report that I am doing much better since my last post. Oh I still miss Dave very much and don't get me wrong, I still have my emotional disaster moments but overall I will say I am learning to adjust my way of life accordingly. We still don't have the deployment details but from what is being said thus far, it's looking like it will be within the next few weeks or so. Even before Dave left, I struggled with organization and time management. With 2 kids, the cakes, the photography, ballet, cooking, cleaning, playdates, and the rest that comes with adulthood, I don't have much time in between chores and events to spare. Now that Dave is gone, it seems almost impossible to get everything done. Since having kids I have never really taken time out for me. Because, let's be honest, with that whole list of "to-do's", there isn't much time to make myself "pretty" now is there? I decided alot of my depression was sort of stemming from the fact that I am not really known as Lori anymore but more so known as Dave's wife, or Payton & Taylor's mommy. With Dave being gone, I felt like half of my identity went with him. Thus I decided it was time for a transformation. I decided I needed to take care of myself. Physically, emotionally, mentally, & spiritually. To do this, I was going to need to better utilize my space and time. I started by making a commitment to work out daily. I don't have a gym membership and my schedule varies daily so I have been doing various things on the wii fit, taking my kids for long walks, running when I get the chance, and some yoga. We haven't had insurance for a year and so since the military is now covering our medical bills in exchange for kidnapping my husband, I decided to fully take advantage of these benefits. I made an appointment with my Dr. to discuss a few health concerns I had including my depression issues and it turns out I am a hormonal mess. Although, I am not a fan of anti-depressants, I decided at this time in my life, I needed all the help I can get and oh I feel the difference already! I made appointments to have my nails & toes done, hair cut, and eyebrows waxed. All things I hadn't treated myself to in 2 years! I vowed to read my bible everyday, even if only one tiny little scripture, I get my daily bread in. I also decided that if I could finally get myself and my home organized, I would have more time to enjoy it and my children. So, I have stayed up until the wee hours of the morning for weeks now clearing through the kids closets, my closet, the kitchen, living room, and anywhere else excess junk may be hiding. Bags & bags of clothing and toys are ready to be delivered to goodwill next week and slowly but surely, I am turning this place around. I bought some shelving for the living room because I have a TON of picture frames and nowhere to display them. Now the faces of my friends and family surrounds me. I bought office supplies to organize my desk area and a corner desk to better utilize my computer and office supply space. I also decided that since we live in a 3 bedroom home, have 2 kids, a ton of toys, and buckets of homeschool curriculum that I needed to somehow find a way to organize all of this STUFF. I decided my best bet was to turn our dining room into a playroom/schoolroom. It probably sounded like a crazy idea when I started but I thought, eh, how often do I entertain more than 4 people at once anyway right? So I did some rearranging and moved the dining table into the kitchen which works out well because it was sort of 50's diner themed anyway and goes quite well in there. Next I purchased storage bins, and cubby hole shelving to line the walls and organize all of Payton's school workbooks, her board games, craft supplies, crayons, and other activities. I used a labeler (my new favorite toy) so that each item is clearly identified! :) Taylor loves to look at books and be read to but she often destroys good books if she gets her hands on them so I took all the board books that she CAN'T destroy and moved them from our huge hallway library to a bottom shelf in the playroom so she can look at them whenever she wants and I don't have to worry about taping pages together later! I moved the kitchen & marketplace out of Payton's room and into the new "playroom" because truthfully, it's Taylor's FAVORITE thing to play with anyway. I moved the big desk that Payton was using for school out because she has an adorable little table that she can use as a desk now that she isn't using an ancient computer and has now taken over my pink laptop. When she's not using the laptop, it can easily be stashed to the side for emergency tea party purposes. My biggest concern was finding a way to sort of make it look like it's own room instead of part of the living room. I considered having a wall built but that seemed a bit drastic. So I instead purchased some inexpensive shelves from wal-mart and created a sort of mock half wall. This way, I have extra storage on the living room side for my scrapbooking crap, books, picture frames, and knick-knacks, and the playroom is sort of it's own room! I left a small walkway in between the shelves for easy entrance/exit that can easily be blocked off with a baby gate to keep a certain mischievous 1 year old contained should I need to. So far, it has been a magnificent addition to our home. Without even blocking them in there, they played for hours. I was even able to take a long shower and Taylor never once made a peek-a-boo appearance with my shower curtain! That's a 1st! lol

OR-GA-NIZED

Lotsa FUN!

TaDA!

I still have a few more projects before the "playroom" is complete. I need to finish painting Payton's table black. It's a really hideous pastel blend at the moment and if you know me, I am NOT a pastel person. It's cute but does in no way shape or form mesh with the rest of the house. I'm also commissioning my mother to make some curtains for the back windows. I need a new rug because, although I LOVE the one that is in there, it's really old and getting kinda dingy :( I also thought it would be fun to paint the back of the black shelves with chalkboard paint so the girls can doodle on them whenever they want.

Won't be taking any pictures of the updated living room until I solve the whole furniture dilemma but that's a whole 'nother post!

I'm utilizing my time without my husband to make myself feel better. I'm missing him more than I knew it was possible to miss someone but, I'm laying it down at God's feet, it's his burden now and not mine. He gives me comfort when I'm alone and lots of hair-brained home-improvement ideas to keep me entertained for the next year! lol

adjusting

This week has been tough for the kids and I. I'm the kind of person that needs some time to adjust and reflect on things and with kids, you just don't really get to have that adjustment period. Their lives-their schedules go on like normal and I don't really have a choice but to keep on trucking for them. If I were alone I would let myself be unrealistically depressed for at least a full week. I would sleep in (if I could sleep at all), maybe drink a lil', be with friends, and just concentrate on taking care of ME for a while. I don't sleep-AT ALL and Taylor hasn't slept well this week either. I think she has another tooth coming in! It seems like just when I feel I'm exhausted enough to crawl into bed, Taylor wakes up screaming, refusing to go back to sleep. She makes her way to my bed where she still wakes up every hour or so. By the time I'm in a deep sleep, it's 7 a.m and she's ready to go! I want to nap a few times throughout the day but with 1 of them ALWAYS awake during the day, it doesn't seem possible. I'm under all this stress and normally I'm a pretty positive person. NORMALLY, I can find the silver lining somewhere, or rely on my faith to get me through but right now I just don't feel real positive. I feel like I'm in the dark entirely. Like my head is going to explode at any second and even more disturbing, I don't seem to care. I'm feeling alot of things I don't particularly care to feel. Pain, anxiety, anger, depression, and resentment just to name a few. How did I get here? This dark place, is there light at the end of the tunnel. Not that I can see, all I CAN see is the darkness. It has begun to consume me. I have become ONE with the blackness. How do I make the night turn to day. How can I remember what sunlight feels like. It seems like this cold darkness is all I have ever known. I'm afraid but of what, I'm not real sure. I feel like I'm not living just kind of existing. Okay maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe not. My best friend is not here with me. I almost hear him calling me from the other room sometimes. I can smell his aftershave in the bathroom. I turned onto our street and saw his truck in the driveway and for just a second forgot he was gone. I got excited, and felt my foot push on the gas pedal a little harder. I sped up to get home because I had to get to him. Then I remembered. It's only been a week. How am I going to live a whole year without him? I feel so all alone and I want nothing more than for this to have all been a bad nightmare. I should be thankful. He's not dead right? And, it's only a year-the last year passed so quickly. If I could just stop the nightmares. If I could just get used to sleeping in our big empty bed alone. One week at a time. This week was brutal but tell me it will get easier! I think I'm still in shock. I guess this all just kind of snuck up on me. seemed like February was further away. The waiting isn't over. He's back in the Army now but maybe there is still hope. Until I get the deployment details I will cling to that HOPE!

my heart is stuck at Ft. Benning!

I don't often feel speechless. Heck, normally I will talk to a wall if there is no one else around but tonight I feel like there's nothing more to talk about than how consumed with sadness I am. I dropped Dave off at the airport yesterday morning to report for duty in GA. Happy freakin' Valentine's Day! I don't think I have ever felt so awful in my entire life. I'm not usually one who gets to wrapped up in the whole Valentine's day thing because only ONE big day of love a year doesn't seem so great to me. I prefer to dispense my love evenly throughout the year ;) It was just so terrible because Dave and I have never spent more than 12 hours apart and missing him is so unbearable. Reading people's facebook status updates about the wonderful times they had with thier husbands/boyfriends just made his absence that much worse. My best friend is gone. There isn't anyone around to slap my butt in the kitchen and irritate me! lol I don't have any desire to sleep in our bed because it just seems to big and lonley without him holding me. I miss his forehead kisses and even though I got to talk to him and pray with him before bed, hearing "goodnight beautiful" over the phone wasn't quite as great as when it's accompanied with a kiss and a cuddle. I wore his shirt to sleep last night because it smelled like him. I smell his aftershave in the bathroom. If it feels this awful with him in another state how will I deal with another country? Keep my sweet soldier in prayer because I don't think I can handle deployment. Don't have any current pictures of him in Uniform but here's a very old one. I love you baby and I'm so very proud to be your wife. Uncle Sam, please let my husband come home to his wife and kids ASAP! kthx